tankt

I found this song on bleep the other day, not yet released (damn! well, I suppose I can wait), and embargoed in the US (double damn! what now?!!). Nothing on iTMS yet, and even though I hate to buy such poor quality downloads I wanted the songs bad enough to at least force myself to make that decision. I was even poking around torrentspy trying to find an illegal download, but no love there either.

I hate flash websites—there’s no easy way to link directly to the good stuff buried within—but I was able to find a link to the lyrics in their forum. Now, that helps more than I care to admit, as I simply cannot understand English accents. Honestly, it might as well be Dutch, it just goes in one ear and out the other. That’s hardly the only thing these days.

Of course, MySpace has the two new songs for streaming, and a link to their video on YouTube, which is all I really wanted to share. Not sure why I made you sit through all of the other nonsense…

First the lyrics…

good shoes - All in my head

Im a talented artist but my hearts not in it
Im a good shag but I find nobody fit
I play in a band but I’ve got no talent
I spit and I drawl but I just don’t change a thing

Its all in my head all my hopes and my fears
And I lay it all out all for you all to see and its
All in my head

I work 9-5 but I want to get out
I watch the tv but I want to be an inspiration
I write it all down but nobody reads
You never will and its so obscene

And now the video…

I’m hooked. Great sound. Great fun.Great lyrics too, if a bit too close to home. No need to dissect this one. And at 2:31, it’s perfectly short and sweet. You know I have a soft spot for that kinda stuff.

Growing up, I always saw myself as invincible. In more ways than one. I bear few physical scars, of course there is my fakee front tooth (fixing the most ironic loss of limb ever, given how much I loves me my samiches). And I never really considered myself emotionally damaged, not saying I do now, but it is clear to me that I have never really learned how to sustain myself, to celebrate myself, to love myself, to support myself, to believe in myself…

Life throws so much at you. I like to think I can handle anything, and in the end I usually do, provided you’re patient enough to let me work through it. But I have realized lately how much I depend on others to fill me with that confidence and daring, not to mention that love and passion. Nothing wrong with that, but it perpetuates a pattern I am no longer content to let rule my life. No more false strength and false hope.

To be sure, there’s nothing like being in the moment. Living in the instant. But that worked best (or so I thought) when I was much younger, when my actions had few if any immediate consequences (yes, I paid dearly for that foolish outlook as well). But after having witnessed this show called “my life” for almost 33 years, I now know that yesterday’s “tits mcghee” is tomorrow’s “wish I would have done that differently.” Only yesterday can never be undone.

Today, however, can be done differently. Said another way… Having made poor decisions in the past does not mean I have to make poor decisions in the future. At some point you have to break the cycle, to take a longer view on life. And there’s no better time like the present.

I read so much about “compelling content” these days. How to create it. How to protect it. How to profit from it. Prince Campbell wonders if maybe we aren’t missing the point:

You may not like it but you only gain control by letting go.

He’s talking about something else, but for me the point remains the same.

I am much too concerned with what others think of me, constantly seeking answers and approval from those around me. Of course, that works well when you have a strong support network in place, which only illustrates the importance of having healthy / happy / thriving couples and individuals in your life. But the world does not always work that way, especially when you’re miles away from home… I could sit at home and avoid it all, but what kind of life is that?

I have no need to fear failure. Or even success. I cannot continue to neglect the voice inside of me. I have much too much to say. As Hugh Macloed states in THE HUGHTRAIN:

“THE MARKET FOR SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN IS INFINITE.”

We are here to find meaning. We are here to help other people do the same. Everything else is secondary.

We humans want to believe in our own species. And we want people, companies and products in our lives that make it easier to do so. That is human nature.

So for me, this new chapter in my life starts today. The past truly is prologue. I decided earlier this year to do only the things that I love, and after bouncing around for eight months now, I am finally going to make good on that promise. I want to grow healthier relationships, build more positive experiences, create more meaningful memories, for all.

And to me that means more than being compelling. I want to be consequential. I really do want to make a difference…

So no more talk about the old days
It’s time for something great

Thom Yorke—Atoms for Peace

No more going to the dark side with your flying saucer eyes
No more falling down a wormhole that I have to pull you out

The wriggling, squiggling worm inside
Devours from the inside out

No more talk about the old days
It’s time for something great

I want you to get out
And make it work

So many lies
So many lies
So many lies
So feel the love come off of them
And take me in your arms

Peel all of your layers off
I want to eat your artichoke heart

No more leaky holes in your brain
And no false starts

I wanna get out
And make it work

So many lies
So many lies
So many lies
So feel the love come off of them
And take me in your arms

I wanna get out
And make it work

I want you to get out
And make it work

I’ll be ok

So many lies
So many lies
So many lies
So feel the love come off of them

Such a astonishing song. So full of meaning in so many ways.

Before today, I was fond of saying I would gladly trade every last one of my talents and gifts to be able to sing (maybe not like Thom, but still). But I can make beautiful music of my own, and that is what I dedicate myself to do today.